The Return

I have been away for a few months and have made a flying visit back to Kharkov to remember how good things are and to see my friends. It is kinda cold and icy. I seemed to have missed the hardest winter in 4 years which is not something I will cry over. The pavements have not really been cleared of snow, and hence everyone walks like a penguin. Hands out to the side, wobble from side to side as one moves forward.

One day I meet a friend in the cafe Paris, well known for being a favourite of every Ukrainian devushka, making it the kind of place no western man would want to go to. But, my memories of the bad coffee had faded, I was ready to give it another chance. I ordered an espresso macchiato, carefully describing, as is my custom in Ukraine, my expectations, an espresso with a touch of milk. My companion ordered a coffee mocha. The coffees duly arrive, and it is difficult to understand which is which. Presumably the one nearest me which resembles a cappucinno is mine, and the espresso looking one is the mocha. We carefully sip and decide we have them round the wrong way. Hers is bitter and mine is milk. We swap. I am a bit surprised the macchiato has no milk but I know how things are in Paris. After draining half my coffee I am rewarded with a big lump of chocolate.

Later I go for a CT scan. One of the advantages of Ukraine is the cheap prices compared to the west for certain things. Obviously Gucci et al are not cheaper, but a CT scan in London would cost me 500 pounds. Here a scan costs about $80. Normal Siemans scanner, the staff seem to know what they are doing, and they give you the scans straight after. At which point you retire to your home country to see the doctor.
Whilst I am waiting for my scan, the receptionist comes over and starts saying something which I fail to comprehend. She makes me stand up in the waiting room and repeats faster and louder. Seeing my lack of comprehension she calls for reinforcemsnts. Two more of the technical staff appear and now I have 3 girls all speaking very quickly and loudly at me. At this point one of the other waiting customers intervenes and mimes out what they want. They require me to take a deep breath and hold it. Unfortuantly it is not explained that they want to time how long I can hold my breath so I fail miserably at holding for long enough. Second attempt I manage a good time. I like to entertain the other customers.

The Taxi ride
I’m in a taxi coming back from Saltovka and we pass a multi car accident. Lots of guys shouting at policemen, no doubt they did not agree as to whose fault the police decided it was. My taxi driver is explaining to me that the roads have black ice on them and they drive too fast. No doubt the roads have deteriorated badly this winter, in one place the traffic is reduced to walking pace to negotiate the holes. Later on, as we approach the center at high speed, the driver hits his brakes just as the car comes to some black ice and whooosh … we go sliding through the red light, though he did manage to avoid the parked cars. I try and detect dome irony from him but it is not to be. I need a stiff drink shortly after.

I am in the fancy chemist shop. I pick my provisions and go to the kasa, which is unmanned (undevushked?). The administrator helpfully calls over the devushka to serve me, but alas as she approaches another customer approaches. My purchases to be are sitting on the counter but the other woman goes staright for the kill and hands the arriving devushka her purchase, an eye liner pencil. I accept my fate, this is Ukraine. Unfortuantely the pencil has no price and the devushka vanishes to the back to ascertain the price. Minutes pass, and finally she returns, rings up the price at which point the woman says it is too much and walks out. Whilst this plays out another woman arives at the kasa, the big strong type, and pushes in front of me. I am ready, I push back and pick up my items to thrust them towards the server, but the woman is more experienced. She pushes my arm aside and pushes her purchase towards the devushka. I have had enough. Pojalsta !! I push her out the way and ignore her look of outrage and I am served. I need more practice.

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